sULfiTe & bLuEbeRriEs: An Interview With M. Jagger

“The global run on food that has led to shortages and riots from Egypt to Haiti in recent weeks has made its way to U.S. shores. Concerned about rising prices and short supplies of staples such as rice and flour, customers have been cleaning out the shelves at big-box retailers including Wal-Mart stores Inc.’s Sam’s Club and Costco Wholesale Corp stores. On Wednesday, Sam’s club said customers no longer would be allowed to purchase more than four bags of jasmine, basmati and long-grain white rice per visit.” (Hirsch and Hsu, L.A. Times, 4/24/08)

This kind of news item is a sad testament to this great nation’s immigrant problem. Rice ain’t American food! You won’t see a run on Spaghettios and Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks. It’s the Indians, Asians, and Mexicans who are ruining our economy that eat these terrorist brands. Where’s the Uncle Ben’s? Any food you can’t cook in under 2 minutes should be banned. Rather than defer to some hillbilly expert with no street cred, I decided to talk to a local potato grower from Watson.

Me: “Mr. Jagger, what’s your opinion on the news that we’re facing a global food shortage?”

Jagger: “There’s no world food shortage, people are just eatin the wrong stuff. It’s just like global warming, a big hoax. And now you got these left wing conspiracy wackos saying that we shouldn’t make gas outta plants, that it takes away food from people. Well tell me this; what’s more important, food or fuel? We need our corn for Methanol! Last I checked, a person couldn’t live in this world without a car. Forget about food, we gotta stop those people that don’t live here from getting cars. That’ll mean plenty of gas for us.”

Me: “There’s a lotta talk about global warming, you live here in the middle of the U.P., what would you say about that?”

Jagger: “Lordamighty, we just had a winter to make ya pray for global warming. This planet is here for us to harvest. Don’t worry, God’ll renew everything. Ya take all this squawkin about sulfite mining on the Yellow Dog plains. What’ya need more, nickel or blueberries? It’s a no brainer, blueberries are just little tiny fruit, nickels used in batteries. Don’t get me wrong, when they tried to put a gravel pit near my tater fields I yelled like hell.”

Me: ”Ah…why?

Jagger: “Cos that was different. It was near my house, and I didn’t want it there. 'Twern’t just us, them flatlanders down below got snowed on hard, too. Those trolls deserve it, Satan lives under that bridge! Bad stuff happens down there. Look at this paper article. ‘Detroit police say they found the partially mummified body of a woman in her 80s on the kitchen floor of a house where her mentally troubled sister was living. Police say they believe the surviving sister had been living with the body for one to three years. The body was partially covered with newspapers and a cat and dog apparently ate part of it.’ Cities are jungles, same goes for Washington as Detroit. Judge Scalion and President Seney’ll steer us right, they’ll end queer marriages and abortions; but the rest of them liberal fudge-packers are making this country one big Sodom and Gomorrah.”
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Me: “Thank you, Mr. Jagger.”

Jagger’s gotta good point. Why should we be responsible for the rest of the world’s problems? Weather goes in cycles, ya see, and we’re just hittin a hot patch. That’s why I say, “there is no global warming because there is no global warming,” scientifically and meteorologically speaking. Like Darwin says, animals have to adapt, and I hear Polar bears are great swimmers. The environment is small potatoes, the important issues are terrorism, same-sex marriages, and drugs. This is where a patriot faith in our government’s commitment to opposing these moral sins must be unswerving and unquestioned. When our trusted leaders, like Supreme Court justices and Vice-Presidents say, “because I’m right,” and “so,” we must have faith in their wisdom, just as we must petition our God in the war on terrorism.

Let Righteousness prevail! - Me