THE BIG HOAX: sMokiNg iS bAd fOr yOu

Greetings!

It’s Me again:

“Dr. William H. Stewart, a surgeon general in the Johnson administration who put the first warnings on cigarette packs died on April 23 in New Orleans. He was 86. The initial warning, instituted in 1966 during Dr, Stewart’s tenure, said that cigarette-smoking “may be hazardous to your health.” (NYT, 4/29/08)

Call me the hoax hawk, but everybody knows tobacco is good for ya. My great uncle, who smoked five packs of non-filter Cool Menthols and drank two fifths of Jim Beam a day, lived to be a hundred and thirty eight. There’s never been no direct correlation between tobacky and sickness, just like there’s no connection between eatin and obesity. I loves my smokes, and I’ll give em up when they uncurl my cold dead fingers from my Bull Durham pouch.

Yep, roll my own, and when I can’t find loose backy I go with Basics. One reason I always like my smokes is the sex angle. Ya see, cigarettes don’t stunt your growth, they enhance it. The nicotine kinda puffs up the sacs, if ya know what I mean. Girls don’t call me the Marlboro man for nothin. All that movie stuff about havin a smoke after a little hoochie coochie’s got it backwards. A couple of drags before the dirty deed and I’m a regular Secretariat. Yahoo!

All the great Hollywood actors smoked. Take the Duke, for instance (don’t believe all that evil stuff about him and Rock Hudson), he was a man’s man. I can’t remember if he was a pitcher or a catcher, but what an actor. Who could forget him in “The Green Berets”? Legend has it that Old Dukie (that’s what Rock called him) was hung like a horse and could go the distance.

When someone can’t breathe right, it ain’t the cigarette’s fault. It’s all in the genes, ya see. You could go to church, never swear, and drink milk all your life, and still die a cancer, but they wouldn’t say milk caused it. It’s all in the genes.

I thought I’d ask one of my uncles, Buster Hackaloogie, what he thought about the tobacco hoax.

Me: “A, Buster, do you think those cigs are bad for ya?

Buster: “Hell no, my mammy used to put daddy’s used chew-cup drippins in my bottle when I was a baby, and looka me now, fit as a fiddle. Sure, I cough a little in the morning, but I’m good to go by lunch. Nothin better than a post-gustation smoke. In fact, the only time I like my smokes better than after eatin, is ridin in the car, as long as nobody makes me roll down the windows. Didya know that babies and children ridin along develop natchrul immunities to stuff like Mumps and diarrhea. Plus it’s easier for them to enjoy the backy buzz when they start smoking. That’s where those Chinamen are ahead of us, they preciate smoke and pollution, that’s why they don’t want that limpic torch blown out. Smoke’s good for you, makes ya smart, too.

Me: “Of course I agree, Uncle Buster, but what about the idea that smoking causes cancer?”

Buster: “Said the earth was round, too, but it still looks flat to me. Those high falootin politicians out in Washington just wanna scare people. They’re fear-peddlers. They’re even claimin other people’s smoke’ll hurt ya. That’s even better for ya, on account of it’s been humanly processed and carries natchrul anti-occidental properties to the retocillator cells. It’s all been science proven. Smokin even prevents some cancers, like medium squamous toenail sarcomas, especially when they’re sailing round the islets of Langerhans and squeezing off the valves of Houston. Din’t know I was that smart, did ya, Me?

Me: Holy smokes, thanks uncle Hackaloogie, once people read this, everybody’s gonna start smoking.

Smoke Em If Ya Got Em - Me