"A Day in a Life:" Schadenfreude, The Dalai Shama-Scama, Divorce Blogs, and Papist Pap

Schadenfreude (shad’ n-froi’ de’) n. Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

Sunday: After a typical Saturday night of watching the NBA playoff games I bet on, I arose early (7:30) and made the trip from Plymouth to my house. On this particular morning I called my brother Paul in Florida to chat. Like myself, he’s nuts, and thus had a crazy Sunday morning story. On the way to church, he stopped and had a beer at a local Blind Pig. While there with an alcoholic buddy he drives for, he ran across the street and bought a twenty-dollar scratch off lottery ticket, won $500 bucks. He was so happy; he’s always broke. I says, “Paul, did you tell Donna?” He says, “hell no, she’d ask where I got it and go on a rant about the evils of gambling, drugs, and John Barleycorn. Ill gotten gains, that’s what she calls gambling profits.” Now there’s an oxymoron for you, “gambling profits.” I says, “I gotta go, my battery’s dying.” Which is the lie I use whenever I want to end the conversation, which is usually delivered very abruptly, on account of my A.D.D..

With that, I got off the highway, stopped at the Sunoco, bought the NYTimes and a glazed donut, and continued on to my domicile. Once there, I fed the dog (Shadow), cat (Satchmo), and parakeets (unnamed). Actually, the probationary lodger I gave my truck to knows their names, but she’s not here right now. She works at Houdini’s Dry Cleaners. Why no coffee, you may ask. Look, I’m from Ann Arbor, man. And as an A2 sophisto-snob-nazi (although I no longer shop at “whole Foods,” can’t afford it) I only drink cappuccino. And, of course, I have a beautiful Rancillio espresso machine (Brigitte bought it for me), in which I use only the best beans from “Trader Joes.” After an espresso and a smoke, I decided to walk the dog.

If there’s one thing that annoys my doggie, it’s this, the various blimps that hover over our route during U-M football season. Shadow barks and leaps at them. I don’t think she objects to the Fuji or Goodyear emblems on the side, although she can read, I think, rather, that the unnatural way they ply the sky and make whooshing noises is offensive to her poochy sensibilities. GRRRR! But it wasn’t football season. No, her nemesis yesterday was a long banner trailing behind the kind of Piper Cub that usually only appears when the “Big House” is full. It read, “PLEASE DALAI LAMA, STOP ATTACKING THE OLYMPIC TORCH.” I kid you not.

Did I mention that yesterday the Dalai Lama appeared at Crisler Arena. Last week someone asked me if I was going to see him. “Nope,” he’s in my doghouse.”

If accepting Bush’s invitation to the White House wasn’t enough, in an interview on 9/17, the old guru said “it was too early to say” when asked whether the war in Iraq was a mistake. The rama-lama-fa-fa-fa Dalai then added, “terrorism is the worst kind of violence, so we have to check it, we have to take countermeasures.” As Patrick French, former director of the Free Tibet Campaign in London, reports, “The Dalai Lama is a great and charismatic spiritual figure, but a poor and poorly advised political strategist. When he escaped into exile in India in 1959, he declared himself an admirer of Mahatma Ghandi’s nonviolent resistance. But Ghandi took huge gambles, starting the Salt March and starving himself nearly to death—a very different approach from the Dalai’s ‘middle way,’ which concentrates on nonviolence rather than resistance. The Dalai Lama has never really tried to use direct action to leverage his authority.” In yesterday’s interview he said, “Terrorism comes out of hatred, and also short-sidedness.” Ironically, the Dalai’s assessment, which he meant to apply to Osama bin Laden, is an accurate (and succinct in its brevity) description of the situation in Iraq, as well as the planning that preceeded this fateful decision. Pretty soon we’ll see the old Dalai wearing a sandwich board and hawking orange thongs in front of Starbucks, or perhaps Wal-mart (“Lowest Wages, [I mean prices] Always!”).

We kept walking. And that got me thinking about the confessional divorce blogs story I read in the Times. In it, one Jennifer Neal, who claims to have a readership of 55,000, bragged about exposing her ex-husband’s evil habits to the general public. As I recall, she accused him of being a bed-wetter, smelly farter, and poor househusband. My question is this, how many of these hits are confirmations from her own incessant, and obsessive, posts? Is this what I should do, excoriate my ex-wives, gay boyfriends, unhappy bestial trysts, pained vacuum cleaner liaisons, failed calves liver masturbatory episodes, and insincere flagellations, as a way of expanding my audience? Not on your life, not while I have Nancy! As An expert on privacy boundaries, I could not in good conscience pander to my readers in such a despicable fashion.

After completing our walk, I showered and headed for the casino. As is my habit, I stopped to get a large bottle of Canadian style Belgium ale, “La Fin Du Monde” 9% Alc., and a miniature tequila. While exchanging pleasantries with the Chaldean Christian owner, I noticed he had the Pope’s Mass (60 thousand in attendance) at Yankee stadium on the big screen T.V. Wow! What luck, the Pope and the Dalai Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa in our country on the same day. Praise God! (Happy birthday Iggy, he’s 61)

In his homily, the Pope emphasized that we should respect all life, even the unborn (see South Park episode, 'Bloody Mary'). One thing we don’t have to worry about are any priests seeking out abortions for their lovers, they’re all little boys. Why can’t we Catholics take a clue from the Mormons, you wouldn’t see Warren Jeffs fooling around with little boys, not when he’s got his Louisa May Alcott posse of wives to serve his libidinal needs. Girls over 14 need not apply. What kind of country is this? Our forefathers, (why aren’t there any foremothers?) and their foreskins, came over here to escape religious persecution. Where’s the tolerance, a guy can’t even live in freedom with his 80 little Hannah Montanas?

I’m glad the Pope is so concerned with human life. He also met with the Bush White House, which isn’t surprising, since the Papal See during WWII was in collusion with the Nazis.