December 29, 2010

Religion & Literature


"Every winter Fox News, seeking to stir up anger through the land, uncovers evidence of a war on Christmas. Secular humanists ignorant of religion and hostile to its traditions, someone in the studio will declare, want us to say “Happy Holiday” or give Kwanzaa equal standing. But Christmas, as its name suggests, is about Christ. These enemies of Christianity will stop at nothing to get their way. Not even Santa Claus is sacred to them.

Actually, as the brilliant French social scientist Olivier Roy points out in “Holy Ignorance,” it is those defending Christmas who are not being true to their traditions and teachings. There are no Christmas dinners in the Bible, which is why America’s Puritans, strict adherents of what that venerated text offers, never sat down by the raging fire awaiting St. Nick; indeed, they briefly banned Christmas in Massachusetts.

Yule as we celebrate it today owes more to Charles Dickens than to Thomas Aquinas. Our major solstice holiday is what Roy calls a “cultural construct” rather than a sectarian ceremony, which explains why Muslims buy halal turkeys and Jews transformed Hanukkah into a gift-giving occasion. Mistakenly believing that Christmas is sacred, those who defend it find themselves propping up the profane. The Christ they want in Christmas is a product not of Nazareth but of Madison Avenue."

-- From Alan Wolfe's review of Oliver Roy's "Holy Ignorance"

"Broadly speaking, Western literature — the poems, plays and stories told from Moscow to Buenos Aires, from the “Iliad” and the “Odyssey” to “The Corrections” and “Freedom,” with postcolonial contributions from India and South Africa and even more far-flung parts of the conquered globe — can be divided into two traditions. The first, what we might call the canonical or public or, more generously, the democratic tradition, finds its roots in ancient Greece, and traces a fairly straightforward line through Rome and the Renaissance and the European colonization of the Americas and other parts of the world. This is a literature that measures itself in successive aesthetic innovations, in language that, however manipulated, finds its idiom in the vernacular rather than the orthodox, and in an increasingly representative cast of characters and behaviors, from early ecumenical existentialism (the acts of the gods and their consequences for kings and heroes) to the domestic dramas of Tolstoy and García Márquez and Toni Morrison and Salman Rushdie. In other words, it encompasses about 99 percent of all books.

In contrast to this is a tradition that begins more or less with the novel itself, i.e., “Don Quixote” (although the case can be made that it also starts with Homer, albeit with the brooding Achilles, whose actions are motivated by nothing beyond the immediate satisfaction or alleviation of some need, rather than the equally selfish Odys­seus, whose every deed is calculated to secure fame after death), and wends its way through various misfits, misanthropes and criminals constitutionally incapable of resigning themselves to the social contract: Cervantes’s Don Quixote, Sterne’s Tristram Shandy, Dostoyevsky’s underground man, Knut Hamsun’s self-starving doppelgänger in “Hunger.” In lieu of ­offering a rational critique of the world they inhabit, the antiheroes of the second tradition simply hate or reject it, just as their creators, far from seeing literature as a tool for cultural or even individual salvation, write only to give voice to a sense of alienation from oneself, one’s peers and one’s place in history.

On the one hand, the writers of the alienating tradition can be said to keep the writers of the democratic tradition honest, deflating the hyperbolic claims to which writers and critics have grown increasingly prone in the absence of a teleological basis for literature; but, more concretely, these writers are also responsible for articulating the ennui/anxiety/weltschmerz that we now regard as the core of postmodern existential identity. From Hamsun we get Kafka, from Kafka we get Beckett, from Beckett we get Bern­hard; as yet there is no worthy successor to the line — Roberto Bolaño maybe, or maybe Dennis Cooper, although Bolaño might have died too soon and Cooper lived too long to secure that place.

It was Cooper, in his introduction to Brad Gooch’s fine 1984 collection, “Jailbait,” who talked about a “widespread disbelief in a future and refusal to learn from the past,” a sensibility that he called Punk and that produced “luminous texts” filled with “inordinately real (as opposed to literary) experience.” This, as neatly as anything else, sums up the difference between the traditions I’ve just outlined, and the need for both. If the democratic tradition continually updates the individual’s relationship to society, enabling the peaceful coexistence of private psyches with public consciousness, the alienating tradition reminds us that such constructs and relationships are necessary conveniences, and that no amount of clothing or culture can enable us to escape man’s nature — and man’s fate — as just another animal subject to the gross processes of lust and hunger, micturition and egestion, the permanent nothing of death. If the first tradition is ego and superego, the second is pure id; or, to borrow another Freudian metaphor, if the first is civilization, the second is its discontents. Freud taught us that the consequence of ignoring our “cultural uneasiness” is, on the individual level, neurosis, and, on the social, world war. Freud’s world war was the first, but Bern­hard’s was the second, which is to say, Freud was writing to explain what had happened in the hopes of forestalling another such conflagration, whereas Bern­hard, having seen the unthinkable happen again, could only lament."

-- From "The Alienator" Dale Peck's review of Thomas Bernhard's work


December 17, 2010

Me and Timmy Mcgee

“Life is a great surprise. I do not

see why death should not be an even greater one.”

-- Vladimir Nabokov 1899-1977: “Pale Fire” (1962)

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I first met Tim Mcgee around 1960. Our family, the Tessiers, had moved from what was then French Morocco in North Africa to Marquette, Michigan. We lived in the Elizabeth Apartments on 123 West Ridge Street (that space is now the parking lot just west of the Peter White Public Library). Right below and behind our house was St. John’s elementary school, where my brothers, sister, Nancy, and I, attended grades 1 – 8.

One of my first friends, Gary Martin, lived right next to SJS on Bluff Street. And so it was the Martin and Tessier boys would play guns together in the woods behind the Northland Hotel, and Gary and myself, Randy, became fast friends. At the time, I thought Hoot Martin, Gary’s dad, was just about the biggest, strongest, hardest working guy (he delivered coal) in the world. He was like a real life “Big Bad John.” Never drank or swore, although he did have a stash of “Argosy,” “True,” and “Stag” magazines hidden away above his workshop.

Both of us being Catholics, you might think Gary also attended St. John’s, after all the school was right next door to his house. Not so, for you see, Gary went to St. Peter’s, which, while not far away, landed him with an entirely different cohort of pals, one of which was Timothy Mcgee.

It was at the Bishop Baraga Roller Rink that Gary introduced Tim and I, and that began a life long friendship that saw us move from our boyhood days of peanut butter/mustard sandwiches and Suicides (a Coke, 7 Up, and Orange pop mix); to our 20s and 30s, those headier times of entrepreneurial schemes, sports, and music, bachelor basketball and golf; into our 40s and beyond, a time of family and watching our children grow up; and finally to this.

From the beginning, Tim and I had a special, but simple, unspoken bond: we were always each other’s biggest fans. Whenever I lost confidence in the world, or myself, Mcgee was there with support and encouragement. Our mutual admiration society never faltered, and it served us well. While I have always had a passion for music, it has taken many years to achieve even moderate skills at playing and singing. I say this because in those early days, Mcgee was always supportive and genuinely interested in what I was doing, no matter how bad it sucked. But it wasn’t just about me. It was about our group, “Walrus,” as well. I remember one time we had a gig at “Uncle Otto’s Ballroom” in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. Mcgee volunteered to chauffer some of us in his Corvair. Right after leaving Marquette the gas line sprung a leak. No problem, Tim took a piece of chewing gum and plugged the hole. That patch job got us all the way there and back. When we moved to Ann Arbor in 1972, Tim came along. He was part roadie, songwriter (Rosie Palm Blues), and overall group mentor.

I always marveled at Tim’s athleticism, innovative ideas, and devotion to his friends. His skill at cards, magic, pool, and working with his hands in general, never failed to fascinate and intrigue me and whoever else was around. One time we walked into the pool hall in the Michigan Union and staged a scene right out of “The Hustler.” He was Fast Eddie and I was his money-man. I pulled out a wad of ones wrapped in a $50 bill and challenged all comers to play some 9 Ball with my man. We won. In fact, turns out he beat a dude that - unbeknownst to us at the time - was a highly ranked amateur in Michigan. Like many who crossed the Bridge before him -- but lasting longer than most -- he finally succumbed to the call of the north and returned to the Queen City.

For a time he had a store in the old Monkey Wards on Washington Street, where he offered up beautifully crafted original pieces. Whether it involved wax, wood, or glass, Tim was always making things. The Birdseye maple pool cues, driftwood sand candles, and Redwood tables he made at various stages of his life stand as physical symbols of the unique person he was. His capacity to adapt to whatever circumstance confronted him; his commitment to family and friends; his willingness to help a stranger; his upbeat attitude in the face of the worst; these qualities are emblematic of the indefatigable spirit he’s engendered in all of us who knew him.

Had I the skills to write a poem like Auden’s, I wouldn’t have to fumble with such a wholly inadequate prose narrative as above to convey my deep, and now anguished, affection for Mcgee.

Love & Peace, Mcgee -- Randy

November 23, 2010

POLITICAL BLOG: FACEBOOK THREADS 1

FACEBOOK THREADS
"The wish to hurt, the momentary intoxication with pain, is the loophole through which the pervert climbs into the mind of ordinary men.
- Jacob Bronowski 1908-74: The Face of Violence (1954)

"The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented Hell."
- Bertrand Russell 1872-1970 Sceptical Essays (1928)


ON TORTURE

· Dan W. Cook So army rangers can be waterboarded during train but the people at war with us are out of bounds?

November 18 at 3:05pm

·Randall Tessier

Dear Danny:

Would we want our enemies to torture our soldiers? Also, in their mind, doesn't our torturing them legitimate their torturing us. Lastly, I suspect that enduring waterboarding when you know it is a training exercise is a bit different than being tormented at the hands of a real enemy.

Best - Randy

November 18 at 3:09pm

·Marilyn Tallio Duran Under torture you'd say anything...wouldn't hold up in court. Duh!

November 18 at 9:01pm

Tom S. Quite true... some would rather allow our enemies to slaughter our innocents than bring them to justice, if it makes them uncomfortable in the process. God help us all (I realize that means nothing to most reading this comment) if we fall to this line of thinking. Oooops, correction - we already have. This mass murderer is found innocent of murder.

November 18 at 11:07pm

Randall Tessier

Dear Tom: My objection to torture doesn't make me any less patriotic than you. In fact, this terrorist gangster, Ghailani, is guilty and would have been found as such had the charges not been thrown out BECAUSE he was tortured. We do agree ...on one thing, the worst thing we do is to slaughter one another (Thou shalt not kill). It's no accident that you use the word "innocent," a part of my pride in being an American has to do with our justice system and the fact that you or I, should we be charged with a crime, like murder, would stand trial under the presumption that we are innocent until proven guilty. what that means is that should we be tortured before a verdict is rendered, our prosecutors would essentially be torturing a potentially innocent person. As for Ghailani's future, he will do twenty to life in a "supermax" federal prison where he will spend more time in solitary and enjoy fewer privileges that those under the most restrictive measures at Guantanamo. Lastly, we Americans pride ourselves on love of country AND our foundational Christian principles, one of which says, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

November 19 at 7:39am

Tom S.

Randy, Just to clarify, I don't feel that your opinion makes you any less patriotic. The beauty of our democracy is that we are all allowed to have opinions, express them, and vote for for those who favor them. In my opinion, the guilty mas...s murderer wasn't excused because of the interrogation techniques, but because a weak-minded government administration lacked the intestinal fortitude to treat him for what he was. I also believe those techniques saved lives. I realize that some would equate America with Al Qaeda but to my mind, there is a huge difference. However, I respect your opinion and appreciate your passion. As an independent, I personally prefer to see the pendulum somewhere around the center of its swing, rather than at either end. I think that is the story of the last two elections. It's now the independents that control the outcome, much to the chagrin of the left and right. I like to think of us as "Equal Opportunity Offenders". Take care, hope to see you sometime soon.See More

13 hours ago

Randall Tessier

OK, so we treat (torture) a person "for what he [is]." The moral question then becomes, should we pursue these "interrogation techniques" knowing that there will inevitably be a few innocents tortured? Is that acceptable to you? Also, I ass...ume your stance on this implies a tacit approval that our enemies exercise the same "intestinal fortitude" in inflicting torture techniques on our sons and daughters. I don't "equate America with Al Qaeda," but it makes no difference whether one is a Frenchman, Englishman, Iraqi, or Yooper, we are all equal as human beings in the eyes of God. Finally, should there be any rules of war? Perhaps the whole issue is an antiquated idea anchored in some romantic notion that rules of civility can be applied to immoral violence of the highest order. But wait a minute, isn't that the way our enemies think in indiscriminately flying jets into skyscrapers and randomly blowing up innocent men, women, and children? Best - Randy

15 minutes ago

ON GEORGE W. BUSH’S LEGACY

· David Andrew Speer Isnt it about time to stop picking on Bush?

Saturday at 5:25pm

Sunday at 5:40am

Robert Ojala Glantz To quote Kim French: "Lots of not, tons of none." I'll quit picking on the Chimp when he's behind bars for war crimes and we've repaired the immense damage he did to our nation.

Sunday at 9:10am

David Andrew Speer Well I guess its true that people still pick on Clinton and Kennedy and Nixon: it never stops on either side.

Sunday at 9:14am

Gerald Kippola How about the 100,000 wounded out of iraq-is it time for them to
forget 'the' dubya? How about the civilian wounded?

Sunday at 9:59am

David Andrew Speer I didnt say forget, I said grow up! the presidents are not that different from each other, hasnt Obama expanded the war in Afganistan? how many people has he killed in the last 2 years? Is he a war criminal?

Sunday at 10:04am

Gerald Kippola Don't take your fox news glasses off if you are not ready for a reality burst

Sunday at 10:42am

Randall Tessier Grow up? That's your answer to the friends and relatives of the hundreds and thousands of dead human beings who have been murdered. And for what? Considering the cost and consequence of the war, would it be worth the life of your son or daughter. This thread is about one man's decisions, and his responsibility in making those choices. If you would like to talk about Lincoln, Hoover, or Obama, that's another conversation. Go tell Pat Tilman's parents to "grow up."

Sunday at 10:48am

David Andrew Speer I'm saying it is silly to attack Bush, he didnt do anything different war wise than any other President did, has done and will do -- I think its a lot of artificial anger over the victims because people dont like Bush's other programs, the evidense of that is the liberals dont attack (often or with as much vehemence) the Democratic presidents that are in office while people die, as for example Obama.

Sunday at 11:26am

Gerald Kippola Keep believing your pile of stinkin horseshit. Your delusion suits you.

Sunday at 11:45am

· Brigitte

‎"Silly to attack?" "Artificial anger over victims?"

How sad.

When we, as a country, have lost the capacity to question the motives and actions of the government -- regardless of party affiliation -- or criticize those who do, then we are ...neglecting to engage in the type of discourse that is necessary for the function of a healthy democracy.See More

Sunday at 12:34pm

Randall Tessier

Dear David: What's imperative is that we listen to each other with mutual respect, even though we might disagree. I could launch an attack on Obama's policies that might surprise you, but that's not the issue here. Just forget the partisans...hip for a minute and imagine this: heavily armed soldiers in full battle armor, essentially foreign invaders, have occupied your town. Some of your friends and neighbors, perhaps even family, have been killed in the crossfire during the occupation. My point is this: when you speak of "people dying" under democrats or republicans, you treat death as an abstraction, as something disconnected from the world you and I live in. Death and dying are serious matters, even when the innocent child murdered doesn't happen to be an American like us. I don't think God meant his commandment, "thou shalt not kill" to apply only to Western Christians.See More

Sunday at 1:31pm

David Andrew Speer well said Randy. I'm happy to be in a place and time where we can agree and just as a final notion, its the lack of respect (towards Bush, who btw I did not vote for) that I was originally complaining about.

Sunday at 4:26pm

ALL CARTOONS BY STEVE BELL UK GUARDIAN

November 16, 2010

Top to Bottom: James Montgomery Flagg (1917), 2 by Steve Bell, 2 By Pat Oliphant, and 2 by Ralph Steadman

"High on the agenda for the 21st century will be the need to restore some kind of tragic consciousness."

-- Carlos Fuentes



























October 26, 2010

Some Sculpture


"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places"
-- Ernest Hemingway
"For Whom The Bell Tolls"



Above: Paul Thek "Arm"







Right: Greek Sculpture

















Above: Paul Thek: "Rainbow Dwarf"





Hellenistic Period "Aphrodite"


Above: Andrew Sinclair "When Night Falls"
















Below: "Janus" JoanaMorais



















Below: Bernini "Prosperina"



A Pleasant Containment - Don Metke

October 21, 2010

When Nothing Matters


“Death must be distinguished from dying, with which it is often confused.”


-- Sydney smith 1771-1845: H. Pearson The Smith of Smiths (1934)


“Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark,

And shares the nature of infinity.”


-- William Wordsworth 1770-1850: The Borderers (1842)


Seeing Mcgee like this breaks my heart, as it also confirms my terrible suspicion that our romantic perceptions and his grim reality can never be reconciled. His is a truth we can’t bear to face. The pain, discomfort, agony, and fatigue have tired and distracted him to the point that our kindly attempts to engage him from the land of the living seem more nuisance than blessing.


Why? At the end of the day, I suspect the physical and psychological anguish slowly become one, eventually obliterating any chance of escaping the demands of dying; and as this happens, room for other perceptions diminish in value: “The person sees himself; he remembers how he used to be; he wonders how far downhill he will have to go before he dies. He loses all dignity and autonomy when he loses the ability to care for himself.”


In temporary sickness we crave solitude and privacy, even with chronic conditions, but terminal illness changes the context – I think. How can I know? Perhaps social interaction becomes so freighted with the ignorance and patronization of the un-despairing, non-terminal, that contact with well-wishers is reduced to a matter of endurance and perseverance.


At some point one’s attitude while dying takes a turn the rest of us can only fearfully anticipate. When healthy, we live by ignoring the finiteness of the future. We know what’s coming, but we deny or distract ourselves from the existential dread that finally reveals itself with our acceptance that there is no postponing the inevitable.


I surmise that a point comes when nothing matters. Life, loved ones, friends and world become a distraction and curse; and as we pass from this world, the value of things that once served as roadside attractions loses all purchase; consciousness is reduced to a reminder that time and acquaintances will live on -- even with our end. Faith and philosophy pale in their utility at a time when their service would seem crucial. Life loses its meaning to the point that all concerns and desires become, ironically, a waste of time. One ceases to live, and merely exists.


What point in living when its joy is gone?


-- Randy


Quote is Dr. Jerome Sobel’s, from Harpers, November 2010

October 14, 2010

Where was I?




Hello All:

It’s been awhile. My vision has been restored and my eye is fine. For those of you concerned with my overall health. No, Shadow did not really eat my toe, and my glucose level is normal.

I’m going north this weekend to see Mcgee. I think crying is often helpful; Regardless of the reason one cries. So driving solo should provide ample time to reflect on the tearful beauties of life.

Reasons to be cheerful, #39: I don’t have a camera on my cell phone from whence to disseminate the glories of my penile gift (or lack thereof).

Where was I?

Love - Randy

As Always, some images for you.

Top: Lynd ward

Photo: Ulla Lohmann


September 21, 2010

Bad Toe Day



It was a dark and stormy night.

Who says I can’t write fiction. Except this is no story. Shadow ate my toe and I’m glad. That’s right, folks -- glad! Why? Only because that pooch saved my life, that’s all.


I’ve told no one about this until now. Call it embarrassment, vanity, a self esteem problem, it doesn’t matter. It is what it was, and I’m disclosing forthwith.


It happened this way. The lightning, the thunder, a miserable day at the Art Fair, me feeling like dog shit -- which is what I turn out to be by the end of this story – my age was catching up with me.


So what’s Shadow got to do with anything? Only this. It was Shadow’s actions that helped uncover an undiagnosed diabetic condition and led to the treatment that saved my life.


I knew for a while I had a foot problem, but I laughed it off as a persistent case of gout related to my adult onset George the Third Diet. Being an amateur guitar player and fallen scientologist I pooh-poohed my devoted companion’s every remonstration that I should seek care. Finally, about a month ago I reluctantly consented to keep the next day’s appointment, which I had doggedly vowed to skip.


Knowing I had no intention of going was still no reason to dispense with my usual pre-medical appointment ritual of smoking and drinking like a fiend, the hard wired lie in my head justifying this with the thought that tomorrow would be the last of my profligate ways, and that, further, from now on I would mend my habits and God would tune up my liver for a final Methusalan run. Where was I?


Oh yeah. So I passed out. When I awoke, my faithful hound was beside me, licking at the gangrenous stump that was once my big toe.


B. rushed me to University of Michigan Emergency, where the doctors found a bone infection and amputated the rest of my toe.


The End

August 11, 2010

What to do?


“Then cherish pity, lest you drive an angel from your door.”

-- William Blake 1757 – 1827: “Holy Thursday” (1789)

It’s been awhile.

How beautiful the UP was over the month we spent up there. At the heart of our stay was, of course, Mcgoo’s Birthday Bash. I would give the social component an A+ and the musical assessment an A-/B+. Friday was fun, and Mr. Bill Etten was in full throat on Saturday.

Myself, after two failed attempts to remedy my sight (see a previous blog on this) I’m scheduled for major eye surgery (retinal detachment) on Friday.

How’s Tim?

I don’t like to see my brother suffer, but suffer he does. His last post mentioned euthanasia. The problem for me, and those closest to Mcgoo, is that out political and religious views – our moral beliefs -- melt in the face of seeing his pain and anguish. Now, it matters little what form his relief and our compassion take. We want for his happiness.

Love - Randy

image by Polly Becker

July 9, 2010

Jakub Julian Ziolkowski

Dear Friends:

An artist I like. Born in 1980.

Love - Randy

















July 1, 2010


“Life’s not just being alive, but being well.”

-- Martial AD c.40-c.104: Epigrammata

I’m feeling healthy as I write this. The cat just crept up behind me. I’m sitting next to some “Cowboys of the Silver Screen” stamps. Tom Mix, Roy Rogers, William S. Hart and Gene Autry. The images are of strong, sure, men, handsome and with purpose.

What prompted me to write is rather vague but important, at least for me. We’re heading north soon, and I’ll be seeing my close bud. He’s not healthy as I write this.

A recurring theme in all illness involves what kinds of assumptions we should make about the afflicted. I suppose a loose analogy might see a connection between perceptions on disability versus illness, and in some cases the two are coexistent. For instance, we imply a degree of unhappiness to the physically handicapped that oftentimes has no basis in reality. Why dangerous? Because cultural perceptions shape public policies on issues having to do with medical ethics, like euthanasia.

Perhaps the same might be said of health and sickness. We assume illness and diminishing health precludes the possibility of happiness, and maybe it does. And why wouldn’t we think to be unhealthy is to be unhappy?

The catch 22 in all of this is that there are degrees of pain, disability, and suffering. And that the extent to which each of us encounters the breadth of these dire calculations delimits our ability to define that threshold where happiness no longer applies, if indeed it exists, and I fear it does, dear friends. Maybe.

We may have attended different schools back in the day (St. Pete and St. John), but the message was the same: suck it up and offer it to Jesus.

Jesus changed nature. He provided an alternative to the nature of things. He said, build me a cathedral and you’ll go to a better place. Sweat it here and you’ll relax in paradise.

Trouble is, nature was here before God. They never told us to render onto God what is god’s, and onto Nature what is nature’s.

As the story goes, man is the pinnacle of God’s creation.

If this is so, it may be that man’s most self-damning invention, beyond all earth fouling gushers, is the concept of god.

Can you have grace without religion?

What is the connection between grace and happiness?

What is the point in suffering gracefully?

Do our families appreciate it?

Should we do it for them?

Do they want us to?

Who knows?

I’m not sure how he’s going to feel.

Should it matter?

Certainly.

June 23, 2010

The Crawling Eye! (Mine!)


First Serv. O! I am slain. My lord, you have one eye left

To see some mischief on him. O! [Dies.]

Corn. Lest it see more, prevent it. Out, vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?

King Lear

Act III. Scene VII.

It was one of those days. Sunny, a pleasant temperature, and the birds were singing. Just like 9/11. I had an appointment at the UM’s Kellog Eye Center. A stock intro, you say. Let me try another. The least painful procedure that day was the three novocain injections in my right eyeball near the end of my appointment.

Having undergone cataract surgery 3 years ago, I was convinced a plaque had once again built up on my right eye. This is not unusual, and requires a relatively simple procedure whereby the plaque is simply lasered away from the artificial lens. It wasn’t that.

The diagnostic required to know this can cause varying degrees of pain. Everyone knows dentistry can require sadistic procedures, but not as many are aware that so too can eye exams.

“IS IT SAFE?”

Per usual, the dilation drops were applied and the doc pulled up a blinding light and began to inspect the poor orb. The patient’s task is to systematically scan the perimeter of their vision as the eye is examined. The next step is to administer numbing drops topically and probe the eyeball in the socket with a cotton swab. Oh boy.

The vitreous humor -- the equivalent of the fluidic mass within the grape’s skin -- is gelatinous, and within limits, can be squeezed without bursting the soft tissue of the outer eyeball. Probing and manipulating the eyeball allows a close inspection of the back of the eye – the retina. What they were looking for were tears in the retina.

What it feels like is a scraping of the eye with spoon or butter knife. The strain of fixing one’s gaze on a particular point in the room while the eye is squeezed and perused is both tiring and painful. “Do you need a break?” “No.”

Imagine the terra cotta color of the desert as a background. Then think of dried cracks in that parched landscape. Arid arroyos with burnt orange beds. Very surrealistic, an abstract landscape of pain, all so Daliesque. “That’s what it looks like, doc.”

This wasn’t the Retina Clinic (third floor), mind you. Not yet. The doc sees something, but he can’t be sure, so he brings in a bigger doc. Funny how the big docs relegate the torturous procedures to their underlings. The big doc affixes an adjustable lens that holds the eye open while he dials in a macroscopic view. From a patient’s perspective it looks like those telescopic shots of the sun experiencing solar storms. Wow!

He confirms the medium doc’s conclusion that I should be seen in the Retina Clinic. So it’s up the elevator I go. The exam is the same except for an excruciating twist, my eye is held open with metal retractors ala A Clockwork Orange. I ask him about the dry riverbed frescoes I’m seeing. “Oh, you’re seeing the blood vessels that cover the outer eyeball. Nice.

My over-stressed, rigid, contorted body and face are now ready for the big doc. I know he’ll be gentle. This guys wearing a suit sans a jacket, and I immediately recognize him from the banners hanging in the atrium of this brand spanking new facility. He’s world famous (don’t we all say this about our doctors? It’s comforting). Like the first big doc, he attaches the super lens and looks long and hard. He announces that he’s found some suspect weak spots (potential tears), and that cryogenic ablation (cryopexy) is required. I ask when this might be scheduled, and he says, “right now, we have the cropexy room prepared.”

UN CHIEN ANDALOU

To return from whence I started, the preliminary to the website description that follows was the administration of three novocain shots to the eyeball.

Usually, retinal cryopexy is administered under local anesthesia. The procedure involves placing a metal probe against the eye. When a foot pedal is depressed, the tip of the cryopexy probe becomes very cold as a result of the rapid expansion of very cold gases (usually nitrous oxide) within the probe tip. When the probe is placed on the eye the formation of water crystals followed by rapid thawing results in tissue destruction. This is followed by healing and scar tissue formation.

In the case of retinal detachment, treatment calls for irritating the tissue around each of the retinal tears. Cryopexy stimulates scar formation, sealing the edges of the tear. This is typically done by looking into the eye using the indirect ophthalmoscope while pushing gently on the outside of the eye using the cryopexy probe, producing a small area of freezing that involves the retina and the tissues immediately underneath it. Using multiple small freezes like this, each of the tears is surrounded. Irritated tissue forms a scar, which brings the retina back into contact with the tissue underneath it.


How did it feel? Ever had an ice cream headache, or what I call “brain freeze?” Each time the tip was applied to my eyeball it was like a laser brain freeze that extended from the eye deep into my brain. After multiple applications, I stood up, reeling from the chair to the door. Teary-eyed and feeling like Frazier after round 14 in his Manila fight with Ali, I’m told I can leave and they’ll see me Friday.

Best - Randy