March 22, 2009

Now Showing: "I AM BARACK" Starring Sean Penn


3/21/09

I suppose I should talk about this or that, or, for that matter, the other thing. McGee likes McGoostock ‘09, so McGoostock ’09 it is.

Went to the Joe last night with Miss Brigitte. I had hoped we would arrive amidst a victory celebration by Northern. Alas, the Irish vanquished the Wildcats in a hard fought defensive battle, 2 to 1. It turns out defense was the order of the day. In the nightcap, Alaska, sparked by their CCHA player of the year goalie (I forget his name), reluctantly succumbed to the Blue onslaught, 3 to 1. The post-industrial apocalyptic urban grimness that pervades the architecture surrounding Joe Louis is reminiscent of the most ominous scenes in movies like “Blade Runner,” Terminator 2, and Alien 3. Darkly gray foreboding concrete tunnels... aging in a blighted and desperate urban core.

Speaking of movies, let’s first talk about TV. Did you see the Special-Ed bowler on Jay Leno the other night, his insistence on the same New changes made me not want to watch 60 minutes this Sunday. Hey, O., my bro Kolan McConiughey (see photo), who’s won six Special Olympics bowling medals, bowled five, count ‘em, five, perfect games.
Oh yea, the movies, So I’m channel surfing and decide to check out “I Am Sam.” Yikes! Now, I know that “cognitively impaired, “mentally challenged,” and “learning disabled,” are the correct terms, but this movie seemed, well, kinda retarded. Ok, I’ll suspend my disbelief and imagine that Sam’s child is (here’s that pesky descriptor) “normal”, but this pathetically contrived wannabe tearjerker had me howling with laughter. In his “Variety” (12/20/01) review, Robert Koehler writes, “Jessie] Nelson and co-writer Kristine Johnson have badly veered off into a near-parody of ultra-politically correct storytelling, in which single parenthood is lionized (and even finally found preferable over an alternative two-parent family option). The movie assumes, in a thoroughly unearned way, a total acceptance of its shaky premise -- that a man like Sam, with the mental abilities of a 7-year-old, is the best possible parent because he has more love for his child than anyone else.” Ok, I’ll buy that, he’d make a good parent, but to then make him a mentally handicapped social reformer, challenging a cold, and uncaring, social Services bureaucracy, well…? Hey folks, that’s Hollywood. Penn’s attention to detail certainly makes him the perfect mental case, but that’s the problem. He’s like a cognitively impaired android, which, I think, makes Sam an oxymoronic contrivance, and, therefore, a thoroughly unbelievable character. Should some future fact or fiction arise that requires an actor of such scope, depth, emotional sensibility and psychological sensitivity as to be capable of portraying a gay, retarded, replicant, or a Special-Ed bowling politician bent on saving the world, we have our man.
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3/22/09
Michigan got smoked last night, 5 to 2, Notre Dame. The good news, however, is that Northern shutout Alaska, 2 to nothing.

Dear Chase Card Services:

Did you know there have been proscriptions against USURY that stretch back to the hanging gardens of Babylon. My dictionary defines “usury” as “The practice of lending money and charging interest at an exorbitant or illegally high rate.” You see, the way you get around the “exorbitant” part is to get rid of the “illegal” part. You “deregulate,” which means get rid of the “regulations,” which are like “laws.” Then the interest gouging and ‘usurious” practices,” are, like, legal.

I write this to express my sympathetic understanding of your need to charge 20 to 25% interest rates. Your willingness to expose the true hypocrisy of so-called citizens who espouse Christian virtues like humility, frugality, and charity, is not only brave, but patriotic, in its mission. The sins of living for the moment, taking out reckless loans, running up debt, and greedily revisioning one’s abode as an ATM, are transgressions against the longstanding civic core of this country, and a wicked betrayal of the Protestant Work Ethic this great nation was founded on.

So keep up the good work. Raise the interest, lower the limit, and teach us poor wretches the sins of our ways. Adios Dom Perignon, hello Cold Duck, begone filet mignon, enter Spam, farewell Starbucks, welcome back Folgers, I’ll miss you Hummer, and yes, I deserve you, Used Yugo.

God works in mysterious ways, and so you are his wrathful wand. You have the wisdom of Moses in showing that, just as guns don’t kill people, it’s not the credit card that undoes us, we doom ourselves.

Sincerely – Randall L. Tessier

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