“Every man contains within himself a ghost continent—a place circled as warily as Antarctica was circled two hundred years ago by Captain James Cook.”
-- Loren Eiseley 1907-77: “The Unexpected Universe” (1969)
RELIGION
Old Ratzo Ratzinger’s at it again. Strong on the heels of the Papal Panzer’s terrestrial guarantee of a purgatorial reprieve, he told Nancy “the chameleon” Pelosi that her pro-choice stance is out of line with the Catholic church’s position on abortion. Of course, cognitive dissonance is nothing new to Nan – being pro-abortion and a devout Catholic. Prior to assuming the mantle of Speaker of the House, when asked if she had any past regrets, she righteously replied, none! I guess her voting in favor of the war in Iraq doesn’t count as a past regret. Anyway, given that God’s rottweiler is an ex Hitler Youth, in terms of respecting the sanctity of life, I guess he’s come a long way from shooting down Ally planes. Never one to forget old friends, Popsy recently revoked the excommunication of Bishop Richard Williamson. The same guy who scoffed at the existence of the Nazi death camps (those were pazcki ovens!) and the preposterous idea of a genocidal component to the Holocaust. Then there was the Papist enforcer’s appointment of Gerhard Maria Wagner as the auxiliary bishop of Linz, the guy who said “the death and destruction caused by Katrina that year was ‘divine retribution’ for New Orleans' permissive sexual attitudes and tolerance of homosexuality”(The Guardian 2/1/09). Der commissar’s in town, oh-oh-oh! Here’s another doctrinal chestnut for all you mackerel snappers looking to decrease your punishment in the afterlife: “’It’s no coincidence that in New Orleans all five abortion clinics as well as night clubs were destroyed.’ And he asked: ‘Is the noticeable rise in natural disasters a consequence of environmental pollution or rather of spiritual pollution?’ Wagner had also characterized Harry Potter novels as “Satanism, said homosexuality was curable and ruled out lay participation in church affairs”(Commonweal 2/16/09). No, it’s not a vaccine, it’s, it’s…Gerhard’s Special Homotherapy! Herr Wagner has repented! He’s on a mission (excuse the pun) to restore clerical credibility. He’s had his Prince Albert removed, and vowed on the Blessed Mother’s virginity there will be no more abusive priests. Praise God!
LOCAL MATTERS
“Freegans” is a term given to master dumpster divers. Here’s The Michigan Daily’s definition from, “The Statement” (Kara Morris 2/11/09): “Freeganism, a play off of veganism, is an anti-consumerist philosophy where practitioners seek to minimize the use of resources by limiting their reliance on commercial markets. When it comes to food, this means a diet based largely on homegrown produce and dumpster loot. Freegans are committed to reducing their consumption in a way that benefits themselves and the surrounding community.”
A spokesperson, Cat, had this to say about dumpster diving in Ann Arbor: “Look into a supermarket’s delivery cycles. One supermarket might get new shipments of flowers on Fridays and produce on Mondays — meaning that they’ll likely be clearing their shelves in preparation. This varies across supermarkets, so you’ll have to familiarize yourself with your local grocer’s habits. “Whole Foods sucks,” Cat declared, "because they compact and lock their dumpsters. So, of all places, don’t start there.” Whole Foods does suck, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that!
OTHER WEIRDNESS
Now I’ve only seen this malady manifest itself in student writing, but there is a condition called FAS (Foreign Accent Syndrome) in which sufferers spontaneously bust out with a sometimes unintelligible foreign accent. In one well noted case, an Upper Peninsula man began speaking with an Afghani accent after falling off of an Ore Boat in Lake Superior late last year. After washing up on in the Copper Country, the Baragans thought he was a terrorist spy and pelted him with rotten pasties. While FAS victims usually suffer the accusation of faking their newly acquired dialect, the cause is generally related to damage to speech centers in the brain.
Upon close questioning it was revealed that Hamid (formerly Toivo) also suffered from IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), a condition whereby victims (mostly men) are prone to angry outbursts, wildly disproportionate to the situation, often giving way to road rage and domestic abuse. After rigorous testing, it was found that Hamid…er…Toivo suffered from a radical imbalance of serotonin and testosterone.
While undergoing treatment, however, the now restored Toivo began to use his left hand to uncontrollably grab his right hand whenever he went to wipe himself after using the commode. The poor man was soon diagnosed as suffering from multiple conditions. In addition to FAS and IED, Toivo also had AHS (Alien Hand Syndrome), a syndrome whereby the afflicted lose conscious control of a limb due to a bad interface between brain hemispheres. The puzzled doctors, however, thought that a possible benefit of this condition might be derived from having the rogue hand extinguish the chain smoking Toivo’s cigarettes, and thus thwart his every attempt to light up. Toivo soon overcame this by simply using the derelict hand to masturbate, and, in effect, keeping it occupied in a way other than duct taping it in an oven mitt attached to his belt buckle.
Alas, if this wasn’t enough to torment this poor soul it was soon learned he had “Capgras Delusion,” the belief that close friends and family members are imposters, which served to explain why Toivo vehemently denied any relation to Hilda Ruhomaki, his once beloved identical twin who worked at the Mohawk bakery. Named after the French psychiatrist who first described this condition in 1923, CD should not be confused with “Cotard’s Delusion,” which causes an overwhelming feeling that one is dead, decaying, or never existed at all. Oh woe was Toivio, lo and behold he had this too, and had to be heavily sedated lest he continue his repeated attempts to dig shallow graves in his back yard and cover himself with a thin layer of leaves and dirt.
When the questioning by the frustrated psychologists, doctors, and therapists became too much for Toivo, he was overcome by a bout of “Spasmodic Dysphonia,” a condition whereby one is overcome by an inability to speak in anything other than rhymes, whispers or a falsetto voice. SD involves a condition in which spasms prevent the vocal cords from vibrating normally. Much to the horror of those around him, Toivo couldn’t stop singing the Starland Vocal Band’s “Afternoon Delight” and Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight.” Ouch! Fortunately the doctors had an edition of Emily Dickinson poetry handy, since this freakish affliction seems to dissipate when the sufferer is forced to recite poetry, thus changing the tenor of their voice.
Had enough? No? Okay, then how about this, poor Toivo also had something called “Alice in Wonderland Syndrome,” a neurological condition that makes objects (including one’s own body parts) seem dinkier, bigger, and closer or farther away than they actually are. This condition is commonly associated with childhood and usually disappears with the onset of adulthood. While its origin is unknown, it can be related to migraine headaches, epilepsy, brain tumors or the use of psychotropic drugs. It was probably before this condition made it into the current DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) that the old saw about one’s penis looking smaller than it really is when gazed down on from above was in vogue.
And that’s all I have to say about that!
Peace - Randy
-- Loren Eiseley 1907-77: “The Unexpected Universe” (1969)
RELIGION
Old Ratzo Ratzinger’s at it again. Strong on the heels of the Papal Panzer’s terrestrial guarantee of a purgatorial reprieve, he told Nancy “the chameleon” Pelosi that her pro-choice stance is out of line with the Catholic church’s position on abortion. Of course, cognitive dissonance is nothing new to Nan – being pro-abortion and a devout Catholic. Prior to assuming the mantle of Speaker of the House, when asked if she had any past regrets, she righteously replied, none! I guess her voting in favor of the war in Iraq doesn’t count as a past regret. Anyway, given that God’s rottweiler is an ex Hitler Youth, in terms of respecting the sanctity of life, I guess he’s come a long way from shooting down Ally planes. Never one to forget old friends, Popsy recently revoked the excommunication of Bishop Richard Williamson. The same guy who scoffed at the existence of the Nazi death camps (those were pazcki ovens!) and the preposterous idea of a genocidal component to the Holocaust. Then there was the Papist enforcer’s appointment of Gerhard Maria Wagner as the auxiliary bishop of Linz, the guy who said “the death and destruction caused by Katrina that year was ‘divine retribution’ for New Orleans' permissive sexual attitudes and tolerance of homosexuality”(The Guardian 2/1/09). Der commissar’s in town, oh-oh-oh! Here’s another doctrinal chestnut for all you mackerel snappers looking to decrease your punishment in the afterlife: “’It’s no coincidence that in New Orleans all five abortion clinics as well as night clubs were destroyed.’ And he asked: ‘Is the noticeable rise in natural disasters a consequence of environmental pollution or rather of spiritual pollution?’ Wagner had also characterized Harry Potter novels as “Satanism, said homosexuality was curable and ruled out lay participation in church affairs”(Commonweal 2/16/09). No, it’s not a vaccine, it’s, it’s…Gerhard’s Special Homotherapy! Herr Wagner has repented! He’s on a mission (excuse the pun) to restore clerical credibility. He’s had his Prince Albert removed, and vowed on the Blessed Mother’s virginity there will be no more abusive priests. Praise God!
LOCAL MATTERS
“Freegans” is a term given to master dumpster divers. Here’s The Michigan Daily’s definition from, “The Statement” (Kara Morris 2/11/09): “Freeganism, a play off of veganism, is an anti-consumerist philosophy where practitioners seek to minimize the use of resources by limiting their reliance on commercial markets. When it comes to food, this means a diet based largely on homegrown produce and dumpster loot. Freegans are committed to reducing their consumption in a way that benefits themselves and the surrounding community.”
A spokesperson, Cat, had this to say about dumpster diving in Ann Arbor: “Look into a supermarket’s delivery cycles. One supermarket might get new shipments of flowers on Fridays and produce on Mondays — meaning that they’ll likely be clearing their shelves in preparation. This varies across supermarkets, so you’ll have to familiarize yourself with your local grocer’s habits. “Whole Foods sucks,” Cat declared, "because they compact and lock their dumpsters. So, of all places, don’t start there.” Whole Foods does suck, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that!
OTHER WEIRDNESS
Now I’ve only seen this malady manifest itself in student writing, but there is a condition called FAS (Foreign Accent Syndrome) in which sufferers spontaneously bust out with a sometimes unintelligible foreign accent. In one well noted case, an Upper Peninsula man began speaking with an Afghani accent after falling off of an Ore Boat in Lake Superior late last year. After washing up on in the Copper Country, the Baragans thought he was a terrorist spy and pelted him with rotten pasties. While FAS victims usually suffer the accusation of faking their newly acquired dialect, the cause is generally related to damage to speech centers in the brain.
Upon close questioning it was revealed that Hamid (formerly Toivo) also suffered from IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), a condition whereby victims (mostly men) are prone to angry outbursts, wildly disproportionate to the situation, often giving way to road rage and domestic abuse. After rigorous testing, it was found that Hamid…er…Toivo suffered from a radical imbalance of serotonin and testosterone.
While undergoing treatment, however, the now restored Toivo began to use his left hand to uncontrollably grab his right hand whenever he went to wipe himself after using the commode. The poor man was soon diagnosed as suffering from multiple conditions. In addition to FAS and IED, Toivo also had AHS (Alien Hand Syndrome), a syndrome whereby the afflicted lose conscious control of a limb due to a bad interface between brain hemispheres. The puzzled doctors, however, thought that a possible benefit of this condition might be derived from having the rogue hand extinguish the chain smoking Toivo’s cigarettes, and thus thwart his every attempt to light up. Toivo soon overcame this by simply using the derelict hand to masturbate, and, in effect, keeping it occupied in a way other than duct taping it in an oven mitt attached to his belt buckle.
Alas, if this wasn’t enough to torment this poor soul it was soon learned he had “Capgras Delusion,” the belief that close friends and family members are imposters, which served to explain why Toivo vehemently denied any relation to Hilda Ruhomaki, his once beloved identical twin who worked at the Mohawk bakery. Named after the French psychiatrist who first described this condition in 1923, CD should not be confused with “Cotard’s Delusion,” which causes an overwhelming feeling that one is dead, decaying, or never existed at all. Oh woe was Toivio, lo and behold he had this too, and had to be heavily sedated lest he continue his repeated attempts to dig shallow graves in his back yard and cover himself with a thin layer of leaves and dirt.
When the questioning by the frustrated psychologists, doctors, and therapists became too much for Toivo, he was overcome by a bout of “Spasmodic Dysphonia,” a condition whereby one is overcome by an inability to speak in anything other than rhymes, whispers or a falsetto voice. SD involves a condition in which spasms prevent the vocal cords from vibrating normally. Much to the horror of those around him, Toivo couldn’t stop singing the Starland Vocal Band’s “Afternoon Delight” and Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight.” Ouch! Fortunately the doctors had an edition of Emily Dickinson poetry handy, since this freakish affliction seems to dissipate when the sufferer is forced to recite poetry, thus changing the tenor of their voice.
Had enough? No? Okay, then how about this, poor Toivo also had something called “Alice in Wonderland Syndrome,” a neurological condition that makes objects (including one’s own body parts) seem dinkier, bigger, and closer or farther away than they actually are. This condition is commonly associated with childhood and usually disappears with the onset of adulthood. While its origin is unknown, it can be related to migraine headaches, epilepsy, brain tumors or the use of psychotropic drugs. It was probably before this condition made it into the current DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) that the old saw about one’s penis looking smaller than it really is when gazed down on from above was in vogue.
And that’s all I have to say about that!
Peace - Randy
No comments:
Post a Comment