tHe LaKe oF fiRe

“And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone where the beast and false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.”
-- The Bible

“The California Supreme Court, striking down two state laws that had limited marriages to unions between a man and a woman, ruled on Thursday that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry.” (5/16/08 NYTimes)

What sorry times we live in. How can we give fornicators and Sodomites constitutional shelter? The Bible strictly forbids homosexuality. It’s a perversion and a sin. Of course, what would you expect of California? Its cities are infested with degenerates of every stripe. It’s no accident that God’s wrath was first directed at San Francisco. That the Gay Plague began there is God’s will. As a man of the cloth and eminent theologian, I thought it best to solicit an opinion from a layman, a common man. And so I, Father St. Jezebel, sought out and interviewed Toivo Beefeater, a pasty miner from Baraga, and staunch anti-abortion advocate.

FSJ: Mr. Beefeater, what’s your opinion on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage?

TB: The what?

FSJ: You know, should two men be allowed to marry?

TB: That ain’t right! They’re sure goin to hell, and they’ll be swimming with scaly serpents in the lake of fire. It’s like a sea of volcanic lava with people in it. Satan’s gonna barbecue 'em good, and there’ll be a host of demons serenading 'em with them rap songs and other devil music. It never ends, dontcha know. Just burnin and howlin and knashin teeth. That’s what it sounds like down there. And it’s forever, which is a real long time. They might get away with that filth here, but not after the rapture.

FSJ: What’s the rapture?

TB: That’s when everybody, ya know, the sinners, gets outta their graves and start howling for salvation, like them Orks in that Hobbit movie. Then God comes down and sends 'em to Hell. All the good people go to Heaven.

FSJ: What, Mr. Beefeater, is Heaven like?

TB: In Heaven, everybody’s happy. And the best part is Jesus is there.

FSJ: I know you think abortion is abominable, but what about birth control?

TB: They’re murderin sea men.

FSJ: Well, I think you mean semen -- that’s the fluid the sperm swims around in. One of the sins men commit is getting a vasectomy. This is a perversion of man’s purpose on earth, to go forth and multiply.

TB: No, sea men. The way I heard, these little sea men, what yer callin sperm (ain’t that a whale?), swim around lookin for eggs. When they find 'em, they cubate 'em inta little tiny babies, so small ya can’t see 'em. Say’s in the Bible it’s a sin to spill yer seed on the ground, too. Do that, and yer murderin sea men. Sectomies, same thing -- white stuff's there, but it ain’t baby batter. Ya gotcher gun, but it’s shootin blanks.

FSJ: And if that’s the case, those who sodomize each other for pleasure are twice sinners. They are fallen homosexuals, and wasters of God’s precious seeds.

TB: I don’t know bout all that, but it ain’t right, period. Baby killers and queers are goin to hell, and they’ll end up like the guy in the picture.