Tonto and Chemosabi Interview

ATTENTION: ANYONE HAVING PHOTOS FROM McGOOSTOCK PLEASE EMAIL TO rlt@umich.edu

“This thou perceiv’st, which makes thy love more strong,

To love that well which thou must leave ere long.”

-- William Shakespeare (1564) “Sonnet 73” (1609)

Tonto: Is drinking bad for you?

Chemosabi: No, being unhappy, however, is a lethal state of existence; so if drinking doesn’t induce happiness in yourself and those around you, don’t drink.

T: What about smoking? Is that bad for you?

C: Yes. The payoff for the pleasure gained is so minimal as to be included in the category of unhappiness. Like all chemical addictions, the user is unable to stop even in the face of knowing the consequences of what they are doing. Smoking is not a moral flaw or weakness of character, it is, rather, a physical and psychological illness to be treated in a clinical setting, again, like ALL forms of substance abuse.

T: I understand you are near Marquette, where there’s been a recent protest surrounding the local policy of now allowing gays to give blood, what thoughts on this?

C: Healthy blood is a precious commodity. Contaminated blood should be thoroughly screened for dangerous viruses, regardless of its origin. Who cares whether it came from Jeffrey Dahmer or Mother Teresa?

T: There was a recent story in the Marquette Mining Journal concerning the status of organ donations in the United States, your opinion?

C: Two things, one sensible, one radical. The sensible thing is to have everyone be an organ donor by default. Meaning that rather than designating the fact that your kidneys, heart, lungs, skin, or eyes are available, you must explicitly choose that you do not wish to have your organs harvested. On the radical side, organs should be a commodity. The purchase and sale of organs should be regulated and encouraged. Yes! That’s right, encouraged. A kidney to avoid foreclosure, yes. Unethical? Not according to my moral compass. Forget the seriousness of the donor’s actions and think about the possibility of saving a life.  Even more radical is the idea that prisoners, death row and otherwise, should be a part of the organ donor pool. If a 24 year old is to be executed, his organs should be taken, no questions asked. After all, he forfeited his rights as citizens by violating the principles of civil law. Is this not out of sync with my anti-death penalty stance, not at all. Insofar as the death penalty is enforced, the death row population should be a source of healthy organs. As to other prison inmates, consider this scenario. A woman murders her husband, and is given a life sentence with the possibility of parole after, say, 10 years. After serving half her term with good behavior, she is given the option of cutting two years off of her original sentence by donating a kidney, should this be acceptable? I think you know my answer, so what’s the next question?     

 T: The Mining Journal also published a letter by a friend of yours touting the just concluded McGOOSTOCK event held in downtown Big Bay. What might you say about that?

C: Funny you should ask, since I just happened to be in attendance. But first, let me offer some insight on the letter you mentioned. I hope none of the attendees take the kind of dim view I hold regarding false advertising. Having experienced the unparalleled taste sensation that comes with dining on Partridge Wellington, I was somewhat disappointed when I noticed its absence on Cheryl and Laurie’s table. My chagrin quickly dissipated, however, with my first sampling of the meatballs and potato salad. Never, in my many years of sailing the world’s culinary seas, have I tasted deviled eggs such as these. The desserts were superb! I myself solicited the writer’s admission that his missive was colored by the food experience he underwent last year in the Big Bay Jail. So I’ll forgive the gustatory mendacity the letter conveyed. Equally skeptical was I regarding any actual workshop by the Carp River Cobra. I was told by the Cobra’s agent that an Ann Arbor booking agent who attended the soiree though Eddie’s voice was passionate, authentic, and way cool, however, there was no harmonica workshop, which sorely disappointed the FUBAR trumpet and harp player, who’s always enjoys Little Walter jamborees. There was also the little matter of the guided smelting tours. Kawbawgam’s grandson rudely informed me that the smelt no longer run in the rivers, which is, again, a sign of the writer’s gross abuse of literary license. That is, had there been any actual tours.

T: I hate to interrupt you, Chemosabi, but what about the event itself?

C: Let that be tomorrow’s post.