UPPER PENINSULA JOURNAL: SAVE KENNECOTT AND ARM THE BEARS NOW!

“The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!”
- William Wordsworth, 1807

Dear Readers:

The weather’s been beautiful up here. I just wish I had more time to spend on the beach. It’s my own fault. You see, my lifetime of dysfunctionality has fated me to attend self help meetings for the rest of my days. Thanks to the Marquette Mining journal I’m pretty much able to network with my inner child on a daily basis. On Friday I attended the “Emotions Anonymous” meeting at the Alano club on W. Washington Street. Meeting with others who suffer this malady allowed me to confront the agoraphobia that gripped me as I waded through the crowds at the Blueberry Festival. Being serenaded by a string quartet playing selections from Bach’s Brandenburg Quartets, while at the same time (they had adjoining venues) having a deliverance-quality U.P. teenager harangue me on the benefit of repenting now, vexed me mightily. And so it was I repaired to the “Emotion” people. The good thing about this group’s meeting is its close proximity to Pat’s Bar (across the street). In these harrowing economic times, Pat’s offers a haven where one can still obtain a cheap drunk outside the home, and God knows (I asked her), one should never attend an “Emotions” group sober.

On Saturday I got up bright and early and headed for St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, where the “Debtors Anonymous” meeting was in full swing. The crowd was huge, I mean when you combine debt and religion you’re gonna have a big crowd, especially in the good old U.S.A.. My problem with this meeting is this: it’s not close enough to the mall. It’s also probably just a coincidence that a lot of my fellow “Bariatric Surgery” support group members were also in attendance. They should just consolidate the “Debtors,” Bariatrics,” and “Overeaters Anonymous” folks into one holly jolly bunch.

Well, after the Pat’s Courage began to wear off during the last meeting, I got a little edgy. I began to see flying Pastie Beetles and Cuhighi Worms. I knew then there was one last meeting I had to attend on the way to the Lumberjack. Tavern Time beckoned, but so did my comrades at our “Panic Relief” group. Fortunately, this is offered via a teleconference call. But, oh no! Oh my God! No service! My phone is analog and I just passed the point of no return. Sugarloaf! I was panicky and anxiety ridden. Help! Then I realized there was a case of warm O’Douls in the trunk. I remembered a friend had once failed sheriff Paquette’s breathalyzer test after chugging a case of these ever-so-slightly alcoholic placebos. I chugged, and found hoppy relief as the lights of the Lumberjack appeared in the distance.

If it weren’t for The Mining Journal, not only would we suffer alone in our terrestrial imperfection, we would also be lost in the woods of ignorance and oblivion, and hence forced to form our own conclusions without the guidance of the Journal’s brilliant editorial wisdom and savvy reportage. And so another important role the Mining Journal plays has to do with the dissemination of news. In a Thursday, July 24th editorial opinion, the Journal made the argument that the “Right to Arm Bears Must be Protected.” I couldn’t agree more.

On the front page of that same edition (“Meet Rio Tinto”) it was reported that the chief executive of the Kennecott Eagle Minerals parent company (Rio Tinto) spoke Wednesday about the proposed mine on the Yellow Dog Plains. According to John Pepin, Journal staff writer, Bret Clayton said that a mine on the plains “would help make Rio Tinto one of the world’s top nickel producers over the next decade.” I don’t know about you, but that certainly warms the cockles of my heart. As an expatriate Yooper, I, for one, would take a certain pride in contributing to Rio Tinto’s success. There are some, however, some tree hugging commies, who object to progress. Even though Mr. Clayton says Rio Tinto wants to be a “partner of choice,” these eco-nazis won’t go along with the program. Imagine doubting the sincerity of a company that “always does things to the highest standard.” A company that always has an “open door to work with people, to listen to their complaints, and try and resolve problems and issues.”

Ah yes! Mr. Mining Journal Swamis, thank you, thank you for putting the venerable Bret Clayton’s (isn’t he the Packer quarterback?) techno-gospel on page 1, and thank you for confining the comments of a bunch of yammering eco-terrorists to page 12A. Just who in the hell is Cynthia Pryor, executive director of the Yellow Dog Watershed Preserve, to dispute Sir Clayton’s caring and kindly appeal to the public trust? So what if Pryor and four of her commie confederates flew to London (is that in the Lower Peninsula?), where Rio Tinto company officials had agreed to hear their concerns during Mr. Clayton’s (aka “The Big Enchilada”) Marquette visit.

According to Pryor, “Rio Tinto officials did not pay us the courtesy of informing us of their visit, much less keep their word to meet. They have once again demonstrated their refusal to acknowledge the opposition to this project in the community.” Pryor and her ilk are the same kind of unpatriotic jackasses that would question whether we should commence with gas and oil drilling in the Arctic. Why would they doubt the presence of vast untapped Arctic reserves? After all, according to an AP article the Journal ran on page 2A in that same Rio Tinto edition, this has to be reliable information since it was compiled by “government scientists”; and when was the last time our government gave us unreliable information?

My proposal is this, since there is a small, but fanatic, group of insidious eco-insurgents bent on sabotaging Rio Tinto’s noble aspirations to be the largest world wide nickel producer, we must arm the bears and make them the guardians of progress. Only a well- armed bear militia can deal with the green cunning of these food coop guerillas. And so I say, unequivocally, and without malice aforethought, SAVE KENNECOTT AND ARM THE BEARS NOW!