“You can’t pray a lie.”
-- Mark Twain 1835-1910: “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885)
While driving my car one day, I had my arm positioned in such a way that it was illuminated by the sun. It looked old and weathered, reminding me of the arms of old men I had seen. It looked like the scaly, mottled skin on the arms of the grotesque transformer woman in “The Shining.” I felt a kind of disassociation, as if it weren't my arm. Like when you’re a kid and you stare at something so long you become mesmerized by the strangeness of the thing. It was the sunlight, that hard illuminator of truths reminiscent of pimpled reflections in harsh, incandescent high school lavatories. I moved it out of the sun. It looked somewhat more normal; more in keeping with my delusions on aging; more like the appendage of someone familiar, if not myself. The hobo at top right asked me to write her a story.
So there it was.
Do you know her?
That’s not enough.
Here’s some more.
You said a student told you that one could be de-Baptized. Does the ritual then begin with the anti-supplicant under water? Would practicing at holding one’s breath be a way of preparing for the ceremony? Would this mean my soul has been re-stained with Original Sin? Or that I can no longer enter the kingdom of heaven? Might I embrace, rather than renounce, Satan, and all his works and pomps? Could there be a de-Baptisimal snorkel for us older blasphemers? Does one’s name go with it? Might I finally pick a name that befits me, like Gorton or Winky.
A man named Curt, or was it Kurt, alluded to Winky, or was it Skippy. Pink lipstick and green apples. That’s your only hint. Okay, one more. Coal bins and flannel. Here’s the last one:
Louie and Skippy
Sittin in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes Louie
With a collie carriage.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, de-Baptism.
Does this mean Jesus could be de-crucified, the nails removed, the thorns uncrowned? I was always told to be Christ-like. Yes, you must be fruitful and multiply; but above all things, be Christ-like.
But, how to be Christ-like?
Thanks to the grace of that lovely little tramp at top right, I’ve seen the light. It was she that saved me from the Sin I am. It was she, The Anti-Jezebel of Coital Bliss, that brought me to the light of the “World Christianship Ministries.” Praise God! It’s as easy as filling out the handy-dandy Ordination Application. First, select a title by checking one of the following boxes: Reverend, Minister, Pastor, Evangelist, Chaplain, Apostle, Missionary, Elder, Deacon, Preacher, Bishop, or Prophet.
Once the Grace came over me, and I had been re-Baptized, it was downright hard to humble myself enough to pick a title for my certificate. Call me a hog, but I checked 2 boxes, Prophet and Missionary. Having purchased the deluxe package, which included the choice of a laminated certificate, I decided to go with the Zurich Caligraphic script.
Friends, how much is your soul worth? With WCM you get 4, count ‘em, 4 exciting clergy packages.
Clergy Package #1 includes the OC (Ordination Certificate) $32, Title Certificate $27, Pocket Ordination Card (Laminated in plastic) $15, Legal Status $5, Marriage Certificates 5 for $7, Baptism Certificates 5 for $7, Marriage Laws In Your State $3, Preparing Your First Sermon $2, Ceremonies For Marriage/Baptism/Funerals $5, Ways Your Ministry Can Raise Money $2, and “CLERGY” Car Dashboard Sign $6. Think about it. For a measly $85 you can be a Doctor of Divinity!
Oops, not really, actually, if you want to be a DD, or even more exalted, a Pastoral Counselor, you’ve gotta select Clergy Package#4 $225.
I hate to leave,
But I gotta go.
This drivel has been an excuse
To escape,
A veritable distraction,
As it were,
If you will,
From water extraction.
RT
-- Mark Twain 1835-1910: “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885)
While driving my car one day, I had my arm positioned in such a way that it was illuminated by the sun. It looked old and weathered, reminding me of the arms of old men I had seen. It looked like the scaly, mottled skin on the arms of the grotesque transformer woman in “The Shining.” I felt a kind of disassociation, as if it weren't my arm. Like when you’re a kid and you stare at something so long you become mesmerized by the strangeness of the thing. It was the sunlight, that hard illuminator of truths reminiscent of pimpled reflections in harsh, incandescent high school lavatories. I moved it out of the sun. It looked somewhat more normal; more in keeping with my delusions on aging; more like the appendage of someone familiar, if not myself. The hobo at top right asked me to write her a story.
So there it was.
Do you know her?
That’s not enough.
Here’s some more.
You said a student told you that one could be de-Baptized. Does the ritual then begin with the anti-supplicant under water? Would practicing at holding one’s breath be a way of preparing for the ceremony? Would this mean my soul has been re-stained with Original Sin? Or that I can no longer enter the kingdom of heaven? Might I embrace, rather than renounce, Satan, and all his works and pomps? Could there be a de-Baptisimal snorkel for us older blasphemers? Does one’s name go with it? Might I finally pick a name that befits me, like Gorton or Winky.
A man named Curt, or was it Kurt, alluded to Winky, or was it Skippy. Pink lipstick and green apples. That’s your only hint. Okay, one more. Coal bins and flannel. Here’s the last one:
Louie and Skippy
Sittin in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes Louie
With a collie carriage.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, de-Baptism.
Does this mean Jesus could be de-crucified, the nails removed, the thorns uncrowned? I was always told to be Christ-like. Yes, you must be fruitful and multiply; but above all things, be Christ-like.
But, how to be Christ-like?
Thanks to the grace of that lovely little tramp at top right, I’ve seen the light. It was she that saved me from the Sin I am. It was she, The Anti-Jezebel of Coital Bliss, that brought me to the light of the “World Christianship Ministries.” Praise God! It’s as easy as filling out the handy-dandy Ordination Application. First, select a title by checking one of the following boxes: Reverend, Minister, Pastor, Evangelist, Chaplain, Apostle, Missionary, Elder, Deacon, Preacher, Bishop, or Prophet.
Once the Grace came over me, and I had been re-Baptized, it was downright hard to humble myself enough to pick a title for my certificate. Call me a hog, but I checked 2 boxes, Prophet and Missionary. Having purchased the deluxe package, which included the choice of a laminated certificate, I decided to go with the Zurich Caligraphic script.
Friends, how much is your soul worth? With WCM you get 4, count ‘em, 4 exciting clergy packages.
Clergy Package #1 includes the OC (Ordination Certificate) $32, Title Certificate $27, Pocket Ordination Card (Laminated in plastic) $15, Legal Status $5, Marriage Certificates 5 for $7, Baptism Certificates 5 for $7, Marriage Laws In Your State $3, Preparing Your First Sermon $2, Ceremonies For Marriage/Baptism/Funerals $5, Ways Your Ministry Can Raise Money $2, and “CLERGY” Car Dashboard Sign $6. Think about it. For a measly $85 you can be a Doctor of Divinity!
Oops, not really, actually, if you want to be a DD, or even more exalted, a Pastoral Counselor, you’ve gotta select Clergy Package#4 $225.
I hate to leave,
But I gotta go.
This drivel has been an excuse
To escape,
A veritable distraction,
As it were,
If you will,
From water extraction.
RT
3 comments:
Love the call back to the basement of St. Johns. Coal bins and flannel. Later,Bill.
Keep your eyes on the
road Good Buddy!
That must be Bridget in the straw hat. Poor kid must have had a rough life growing up on the farm.
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