Santino, Zaidi, and Castratos: Let There Be Drums!

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum…

Who is that little drummer boy? Why, it’s Don Kuhli (photo by Bonnie Quinn) and his sidekick Warren Macdonald. The Bantams live! With Brigitte Knudson’s kindly consent, and Warny Mac’s generous consideration, we, the Lollypop Guild, have procured two, yes two, sets of drums. The next rubber tree plant we have to oops is a sound system for the Lumberjack backyard (I have one for inside). Because the Stockholm Zoo has graciously agreed to lend us their frisky chimp, Santino, we will also have a security guard Sonny Barger would be proud of. What, you ask, are Santino’s credentials? Here’s an excerpt from his resume:

“Born in 1978, Santino became the dominant male at the zoo in 1994 and the only male a year later when the other male died. For his first three years of dominance the act of throwing stones across the moat separating the chimps from zoo visitors was infrequent. However, in June 1997, zoo officials noted his stone throwing increased dramatically, with demonstrations involving the throwing of 10 or more projectiles in what one caretaker described as "hail storms." The following year, the chimpanzee added pieces of concrete to his ammunition, and was observed gently knocking on concrete rocks to break off smaller, disc-shaped pieces. According to his friend, Swedish researcher Mathias Osvath, it's ‘the first unambiguous evidence’ of an animal other than humans making plans in one mental state for a future mental state, in this case, an agitated display of dominance from the lone male chimpanzee at the zoo. Since the initial finding, caretakers at the zoo have removed hundreds of caches, and the gathering of stones has been observed on at least 50 occasions, Osvath reported. Santino's stone-gathering is a clear case of planning for the future, he said, since the calm manner in which the chimpanzee collected the stones differed from the agitated state in which he later hurled them. ‘It implies that they have a highly developed consciousness, including life-like mental simulations of potential events. They most probably have an 'inner world' like we have when reviewing past episodes of our lives or thinking of days to come,’ he said.”

We’ve also sent out an offer letter to one of the many candidates who’ve applied for the doorman position. Because we had to negotiate a deferred sentence for him, we had a bit of a time with this. Yes, the dude is prone to acting rashly, but you want someone who will aggressively check I.D.s, AARP cards, and such, as well as someone passionate about making sure everyone contribute to the cause. Yes, his people will miss him, and yes, the Grand Poobah took some convincing, since he needed assurances Muntader, or Munty, as his friends call him, would return to pay his debt to society. While Munty failed to submit an official application, he did send along an article written by a fellow journalist and friend, Sachin Seth, attesting to his work ethic and personal commitment:

“Dear McGee-Fest Committee:

Do you remember that Iraqi guy who threw his shoes at President Bush? Remember how he was lauded as a national hero? Well, now he’s going to prison. Muntader al-Zaidi, a journalist, was sentenced Thursday to three years in prison for the shoe throwing ordeal, charged with aggression towards a visiting head of state, a crime that carries a maximum 15 year jail sentence in Iraq. Zaidi pleaded not guilty before Judge Abdulamir Hassan al-Rubaie, arguing that in that one moment, he was overcome with a brutal passion as he remembered the scores of civilians that had been killed in his home land, all because of Bush. ‘I am innocent. It was a natural reaction to the crime of occupation…In that moment, I saw nothing but Bush, and I felt the blood of the innocents flowing under his feet while he was smiling that smile,’ he said at the hearing, according to the New York Times. The trial was set to take place a while ago, but was postponed while the judge took time to decide whether or not Bush’s trip to Iraq was an official visit. Since Bush spoke in the Green Zone which is controlled by American Military, it could be argued that his visit was not official. The judge however decided that the visit was official. Zaidi was tried, oddly, in Iraq’s Central Criminal Court, a court set aside for major cases including terrorism. Zaidi’s lawyers - all 18 of them - said they would appeal the decision. As Zaidi, who has been in prison since the incident, approached the courthouse before his hearing, scores of followers greeted him outside chanting ‘hero.’ It’s clear the Iraqi people don’t like the ruling.

Sincerely – Sachin Seth”

Judge al-Rubaie reluctantly agreed after we guaranteed him Zaidi would be castrated should he attempt to flee the U.P. As a way of further guaranteeing the judge we would put Zaidi’s mind right before returning him to abu Ghraib, an addendum was added to the contract, stipulating that Zaidi would be fully Limbaughtomized upon completion of his work abroad. In responding to al-Rubaie’s query about the specific method of castration, we photocopied our contract with a group of Czech psychiatrists who will be flown in and housed in the old alert shack at the former K.I. Sawyer AFB. As proof of this we submitted the following excerpts from a New York Times article by Dan Bilefsky regarding the Czech Republic’s expertise in these matters:

"The Czech Republic has allowed at least 94 prisoners over the past decade to be surgically castrated. It is the only country in Europe that uses the procedure for sex offenders. Czech psychiatrists supervising the treatment — a one-hour operation that involves removal of the tissue that produces testosterone — insist that it is the most foolproof way to tame sexual urges in dangerous predators suffering from extreme sexual disorders. Surgical castration has been a means of social control for centuries. In ancient China, eunuchs were trusted to serve the imperial family inside the palace grounds; in Italy several centuries ago, youthful male choir members were castrated to preserve their high singing voices. Now, more countries in Europe are considering requiring or allowing chemical castration for violent sex offenders. There is intense debate over whose rights take precedence: those of sex offenders, who could be subjected to a punishment that many consider cruel, or those of society, which expects protection from sexual predators. Last year, the governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, signed legislation requiring courts to order chemical castration for offenders convicted of certain sex crimes a second time.Whether castration can help rehabilitate violent sex offenders has come under new scrutiny after the Council of Europe’s anti-torture committee last month called surgical castration “invasive, irreversible and mutilating” and demanded that the Czech Republic stop offering the procedure to violent sex offenders. Other critics said that castration threatened to lead society down a dangerous road toward eugenics. Ales Butala, a Slovenian human rights lawyer who led the Council of Europe’s delegation to the Czech Republic, argued that surgical castration was unethical, because it was not medically necessary and deprived castrated men of the right to reproduce. Although the procedure is voluntary, Mr. Butala said that he believed some offenders felt they had no choice. ‘Sex offenders are requesting castration in hope of getting released from a life of incarceration,’ he said. ‘Is that really free and informed consent?’”

After reviewing Bilefsky’s testimony to the Czech’s expertise, the committee came to the conclusion we should not only include the “castration clause” as a way of procuring Zaidi’s services, but also as a protest against the kind of bleeding heart liberalism run amok that would worry about “depriving” pedophiles of the “right to reproduce,” while ignoring the rights of children to a future free of sexual molestation. After all, Mr. Ales, what guarantees of “free and informed consent” were given the violated children? And speaking of having “no choice,” what choice did these children have in the face of their irrevocable degradation?

Best Regards – The McGee-Fest Committee