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This is your crackhead reporter, Me, signing on. This just in:

BIG BAY. In a bizarre turn of events, after The Mining Journal’s “Superiorland Yesterdays”(8/1/08) reprinted a Marquette Police Department report concerning a series of breaking and enterings that occurred at Getz’s Department Store and Fisher Elementary School some 30 years ago, an arrest was made yesterday at the Lumberjack Tavern. Early this morning, Randall L. Tessier, 57, was taken into custody and charged with the crimes. According to Detective K. M. Ahola, Tessier was still wearing one of the Carhartt snowmobile suits reported stolen. “Let there be no doubt that Tessier is our man,” Ahola said. “Why else would there be Fisher School hot lunch tickets and rusty protractors in the Carhartt’s pockets?” After a relentless grilling by Sheriffs Paquette and Maino, and some light, Finnish waterboarding approved by the Attorney General, Michael Mukasey, Tessier broke under questioning and made a full confession.

What follows is a direct transcript of that confession:

It was a dark and stormy night. We had just finished swimming at the hot pond, when Stevie the Lion says to me, ‘Randy let’s go commit some crimes, steal a car, do a little joy riding, maybe.’ So I says, “Nah, let’s just roll Al’s ma’s car down the drive, start it in second, siph some gas, and cruise Trowbridge park. If we can find Pete Ferguson, we’ll get him to buy some jumbos and drink ‘em at the quarry.” Stevie would have none of it. He said we needed some cool work shirts if we wanted to get any girls, and Getz’s would be easier than Pennys to break in to.

Yeah, I admit it, we were thieves and troublemakers, more than just petty criminals. You guys probably forgot about those MIP raps in Judge Defant’s juvenile court. You also didn’t know that Stevie and I assisted in one of the more notorious Carp River College breakouts, even though you guys couldn’t pin it on us, that’s because Collins never told you. You know, John Norman is really a sweet guy, just a little awkward around women. Needs to work on his social skills. A guy I know knows him. Says he’s a swell guy and he can get me an autographed picture anytime. Anyway, I’m telling you now, hoping you’ll go easy on me at sentencing. So we drove around the island, harassed the peacocks, and thought up a plan.

The following day we snuck in the Delft, found some ticket stubs and left, thinking the movie theatre would be a good alibi as to where we were. Since we snuck in the Delft or Nordic every night, we figured we could explain the movie if you guys asked what we saw. We also knew the projectionist, who swore he would vouch for us if we got caught. Since he’s no longer with us, I guess you guys can’t ask him. Too bad, he was a good guy. It was a double feature. As I recall, they were showing a couple of those feel good movie of the year jobs: “Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer” and “Deranged.” Remember that dude in “Deranged,” Ezra Cobb? He was really cool. Bet he coulda got a lotta money for those human lamp shades at Art on the Rocks. Stevie had Milk Duds and I had extra buttered popcorn. After the movie starts, we leave and creep up the alley behind Getz’s. I climb up on a dumpster in back and slither through a window that’s slightly ajar. Once inside, I open the side door and let Stevie in. Boy were we in hog heaven, free shirts, jeans, and underwear. Stevie also took some women’s lingerie, he liked pastel bras with extra large cup sizes. You might think that’s a little weird, but heh, that’s the way he rolled. I guess all our criminal fun just sort of snowballed. All of a sudden I said it. Out of the blue. Stevie, let’s go break in the ice cream stand at the island and then knock over Fisher school. I think it was just that extra Y, or is it X, chromosome I got. I just had to do some law breakin. So we headed for Fisher School. The pencils, chalk, lunch tickets, they just went to my head. I just figured after all those years you’d never get me.

As it turns out, Tessier has a long criminal history. Besides having long alleged connections with events on the grassy knoll at Dealey Plaza, Charles Whitman’s Texas Tower School of Target Practice, Richard Speck’s tutoring service at the Chicago Nursing Dormitory, John Wayne Gacy’s Clown College, Jeffrey Dahmer’s barbeque stand, O.J. Simpson’s Ginsu Knife Symposium, Richard Nixon’s Tape Editing Service, the illegal bombing of Cambodia, Lieutenant William Calley’s “What, My Lai” Game Show, Pee Wee Herman’s Vaseline Porn Circus Movie Review, Senator Craig’s Bathroom stall Footsie jamboree, Bill Clinton’s non-sexual Blow Job Confederation, Rush Limbaugh’s Vico-Maid service, Richard Reid's shoe bombing and anthrax symposium, Osama bin Laden’s Falafel and Camel Oasis, Joseph Mengele’s Sea Shell City, Pol Pot’s Mystery Spot, Dick Cheney’s House of Wax, and Radovan Karadzic’s Serbo-Cruisers, there were unsubstantiated reports that his real father was the godfather of the notorious Purple Gang. Many also believe that besides being the 20th hijacker and accomplice of Killer Loonsfoot, it was Tessier who, on his way back from Big Bay to Sodom and Gommorarbor, stopped along the Pictured Rocks cliffs and pushed that poor woman to her death last summer. Suffice it to say, this guy’s a bad egg.

According to court psychiatrist Dr. Tato Pininen, Tessier blamed his criminal ways on his upbringing, claiming to have been raised by feral foster parents after his abusive father abandoned him at 12. Pininen’s records show Tessier as saying it wasn’t his fault he murdered and beheaded those 80 people, it was because he came from a broken home. The real tragedy in all this is that Tessier was allowed to plead insanity and released after serving only 3 months in Ypsi State Psychiatric Hospital. Had he been judged to be sane and of sound mind the Getz’s and Fisher school capers might have been avoided.

Oh well. That’s the way it goes. If any on this seems insulting to Mr. Tessier, I sincerely apologize. Sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes the truth ain’t nuthin but a chicken dinner.

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